Good Triumphs

So, I just deleted the past four blog posts from this past year. Why? Because I was venting too much on my lack of hope for humanity. But these past couple of months has changed my view. With all this hate & violence that has been surfacing under the trump administration through its terrorist group called ice, the rest of humanity has shown that GOOD triumphs over evil. 

I mean, it couldn't have been a bigger sign when an ice terrorist (not agent, just plain terrorist), shot a woman named Renee Nicole Good. It was actual evil trying to kill good. But we will not let her murder, or any other at the hands of ice or maga, be done so in vain. There is more GOOD in humanity than evil. As I had discussed in a previous (deleted) blog post about evil, I didn't believe in it until I experienced it first hand. But with the amount of humanity who is fighting against it, gives me hope. 

We ARE winning this war against evil, every time, because the GOOD in humanity is far greater. And I am grateful for that belief & hope. 

#fuckice

#fucktrump

#fuckmaga

#goodtriumphs 

The Nature of Expression

Hi. I'm back. Blogger. Idk why this helps, but it does. Actually, I do know why... I started reading some of my old high school and college papers last night (yes, I saved those!), and started reading one from my junior year in high school about the "Nature of Expression." I go into depth about expression, and the nature of it. Lol. The point is... is that I talk about how expression is essential in life. Like actual life. Like, if you don't express yourself, you will literally die. So we must, express ourselves, in some way, shape, or form. 

Today has been an off day, and depression has hit big time this week. It hit hard, like a hurricane. Or a brick wall? For some reason I have seemed to lost my way in the nature of expression. It was so easy when I was younger.... But good thing here come the tears right now as I type away... Expression is cathartic, and it is a must. 

I'm in mid-production for recording my (technically) debut studio album. It's been 15 years since my last studio project (which was an EP), and I have recorded one other EP & two full-length albums since then-- but as solo, self-produced projects that I recorded myself. One was made in my "studio" apartment (Acoustic Sessions), the other in my dad's/my childhood basement (Saturn Returned), and one even on my smartphone (Mixtape). I've only eponymously recorded one studio project (working with other musicians, engineers, co-producers, & my bank account lol) in 2010... So yea. It's been a minute. It's stressful AF and costly, and now I am reminded why I went completely solo in the first place. 

But, as they say, the show must go on. And I will complete this album, with the help of others, to the best of my ability, and budget. I wish money wasn't involved at all. I saw a speech on socials the other day of Robert Di Niro talking about art budget cuts (at some high-end film award something-or-other), and he said that creativity doesn't have a price to it. Well, in the art & music businesses, it actually does. Creativity is limited when IT COSTS MONEY TO BE CREATIVE AND MAKE ART IN BUSINESS. That's what business is, money. Art & Business are not a good pairing. Somehow it always seems that one kills the other... But that discussion will have to lend itself to another post. 

And yet, I feel better already. I swear, if you are feeling depressed, either go outside in nature (like I usually do), or if you are too depressed to go out in nature (like I felt today), then EXPRESS YOURSELF (I'm hearing that 70's song now :)) 

It was always journaling or singing for me, and then I bought a guitar at 15 years old, and those journal entries turned into songs. Songs don't come as easy as they used to, but blogging or going back to journaling still does the trick. 

So I guess that's all for now.... wish me luck on finishing this album, it's been brutal and might be my last with money/stress put into it. Better yet, since money is involved, you can go and support the project by pre-ordering, "Stories," my debut studio album below (shameless plug!) 

Square: https://square.link/u/ICgn9DaR

or

($15 or more)

Venmo: @ jessicajoyconz

Paypal.me/jessicajoyconz

Bye for now. 

Peace & Love. 

Joy

Pain & Practice

        As I approach the second month of recovery from my knee injury, I think about pain & the practices that go along with easing it. In Western medicine, we usually turn to pills: painkillers & the like. In Eastern medicine, they practice herbal medicine, acupuncture, yoga & meditation. And now that I am technically considered a "Certified Sound Healing Practitioner," I still think about the nature of "practice." When we want to strengthen a skill, like in music, we must practice. When we want discipline, we must practice. And in many cases, when we want to heal old wounds, we must find a practice to cope with them. 

        But does the pain ever go away? Are we diligent to these practices to just keep the pain at bay? When does a practice cure the pain for good? To be honest, I have been lucky enough to not have to deal with chronic pain on the daily. But this injury has given me a different perspective. When we say chronic pain, we are accepting that the pain is here to stay. I don't accept that. I know there are some deep-seeded beliefs that say somehow our baseline of existence is pain & suffering. I beg to differ. I believe that our baseline of existence is peace, love, & joy. But the human evolution of existence has pulled us away from that baseline. So... far... away. Our baseline is with the frequency of nature, and we have become so isolated from the Mother Earth connection, we have forgotten who we really are. Alive. 

        Yesterday I was feeling very depressed and lost. I felt restless & hopeless in my existence. But I knew once I removed myself from society & immersed myself in nature, I would feel better. And I did. I remembered who I was again. At peace, with love, and simply alive. It was that simple. I suppose that would be my most consistent "practice," the practice of "naturing." 

        So, when I think of pain, I think of roots; not the topical remedies or salves we apply to temporarily ease the pain, but the fundamental source of existence which removes it at the baseline. Now, I am not saying that life exists with no pain-- it is just another feeling like any other that comes and goes, if we let it. But, in no circumstance do I believe that the baseline of existence is pain. I think somehow we have become conditioned to believe this is so. Is religion the cause, perhaps? I was never accustomed to religion. I think we have come to identify ourselves with pain, and without it, who are we? Well, this is one belief, but there are others. There are ways, in fact, to "nip it in the bud." We just have to find the right practice which provides the proper root healing, rather than just temporary relief; so that pain becomes just a visitor to our existence, and not who we are. 

 

Venting

Sometimes, you feel like you need to release something, but don't know what or how. There are so many modes of release: of frustration, grief, sadness, anger, etc. And I felt a need to express something for the past few days, but didn't know what I needed to say or do exactly. That's when freewriting can come in handy. You just start writing (or typing), and then you create the space for that release to happen, naturally.

Since my assault & knee injury happened almost 6 weeks ago, I began to delve into the practice of sound healing. Now one of my first thoughts is, "here we go again, Joy, with another business venture idea..." And what I realized is that each idea will always require the same kind of action in order to become a successful "business." It's hard to see a healing practice as a business. It just seems counter-intuitive. But yet, I have been going back to the drawing board, time and time again this past decade basically, trying to find the thing that works. The thing that just clicks, and the "business" kind of just flows naturally. But this idea allows me to incorporate sound & music, but with a more somatic approach. And I think the presence of my knee injury with the ever presence of music have brought me to this realization. 

So yes, I am getting a fourth certification in a different field of "business" or "work." (If you're wondering what the others are, they are a Real Estate License, & certificates in Human Rights Consulting & Happiness Coaching). But this one might be in the most alignment, because it involves music & sound, for healing. Not only do I have a natural interest in sound healing, it might be a way to help me release stored trauma I might still have in my body. So we shall see. 

The interesting thing is, I never realized I was self-healing myself with sound since I was a baby, but I just didn't know that's what I was doing. Because music is a natural self-soothing mechanism. Naturally, I wasn't trying to sing or make music to become some brand or famous person, or to make a living as your typical definition of a musician, per se. I was making music because I was using it as a therapy to heal my emotional & mental wounds. For healing myself.  And I've come to terms with that recently, and I am okay with that. 

So when I think of the difference between a Musician and a Sound Healing Practitioner, they are one in the same. Because I believe the true essence of a musician is a sound healing practitioner. But with the development of the music industry, and turning music & its musicians into commodities, we strayed away from the true purpose of music, which has been practiced by cultures for healing purposes for thousands of years.  So, instead of separating myself from music entirely, I have discerned the difference between the music industry, and the music itself. I can step away from one, without stepping away from the other. And that, is a sound thought & feeling. 

Day 35

         So, it's day 35 since my knee injury. I started slowly walking on it with a knee brace by day 10, and the swelling went mostly down by day 24. But then I had a slight relapse on day 31... new year's eve. I began to resume my nature walks, which I had made a habit of throughout my thirties. So I went to the river nearby for a feet cold plunge. Upon my research of knee effusion prevention & knee injuries, I had learned that cold plunges were actually very beneficial. So I tried it, with just my feet to start, and I made it to 20 seconds of feet plunging! It really burned, like pins & needles. But my warm socks & boots made for a really nice foot sauna afterwards. 

        On my slow, careful walk back, I had a bit of an obstacle set before me. I had to find a way to step down from a snowbank onto the dirt road. I did not have my crutches or cane with me, just my knee brace. So I had to be strategic on how I would step down from the bank without impacting my knee again. I thought, if I stepped down on my good knee, then most of the impact would go onto that leg and would keep my injured knee safe. So, without further thought, I stepped down onto my good leg.... But as I was already in motion, I realized that I should have gave this obstacle a bit more thought.... Because what happened next was... I think you can gather what happened next. The momentum from the first step down propelled my body forward, forcing me to take another step with almost as much force.... 

        Well, you can imagine what happened then. I took the next forceful step on my injured knee. It hurt. I didn't collapse, which was good. And I managed to walk back to my car, but it was painful. And so I relapsed. What's the saying, "for every one step forward, you must take two steps back..."? This was a lesson in mindfulness. If only I had took the time to think just a bit further beyond my first thought of action, I could have prevented this relapse. Isn't that what they do in chess? Always thinking 3 or more moves ahead of their opponent? Well, that is what I learned. Not only do I have to slow down in my physical action, I must learn to slow down in my thought process. Hence, mindfulness. 

39

       Welp. Today begins the last year of my thirties. I remember starting this blog when I was 29... And on my thirtieth birthday, I blogged about the "dirty thirties;" talking about what the third decade would mean to me, involving: healing, wellness, independence, spiritual growth, dirty martinis, & red lipstick & stilettos.... All have been applied, except the last two accessory items. Perhaps I saw my thirtiesas a true-grown-up-healing time period, but also a "sexy grown" of sorts. 

        I must say, these past 9 years have definitely involved spiritual growth-- via emerging myself fully in nature, being with myself in quiet solitude, making music in solitude, shedding many old "friends" & old habits. Saying NO way more. Bonding with my dad, and his beautiful white husky, Wolf. Having the tough conversations with family members concerning past traumas, which were peacefully & respectfully resolved. But despite all this healing growth, I knew when I moved back home with my dad that that decision was going to be a "grave" one. And with all this healing & growth, would also come great loss & grief. 

        Just after releasing all my demo songs onto a demo album, which I entitled, "Saturn Returned"(because that time period was during my Saturn return, & when I released the album was nearing the end of it), I took a road trip not only across the country, but around the country-- literally. A full circle, or a full oval or rectangle. I drove from MA to Washington state, down through the west coast to California, then back across through Arizona, New Mexico & the south to Florida, then back up to MA. This trip took just over one month. Upon my return, I moved in with my mother & step-father temporarily, because while I was gone my eldest brother moved into the basement where I lived previously at my fathers. My plan was to relocate to Washington State while staying with a friend, but that fell through, hence the round-trip road trip. 

        So since I came back, I knew I had to make a different kind of move-- in my "career path." I knew after 8 years of trying, music wasn't happening for me in a sustainable kind of way, so I decided to shift gears and went into real estate. I went through the two-week schooling, and took the next two years to study for the exam-- which I eventually passed on the very last deadline day. During that study period, I had moved in with my boyfriend, which was the very first with whom I have ever lived, and was its own learning curve & life lesson. It was during this time, later that year on the first snow of winter, that we had lost Wolf, our great animal companion. The next month I had an abortion. And just two weeks later, my father passed. And then covid hit.... all in a span of 3 months. It truly poured loss that year. And then I gained 30 pounds as a result (which I am still trying to let go of, but aging has proved it most difficult to do so). I still see this weight as my grief weight. It was probably the worst year of my life. 

        The next winter, I decided to take positive action & got back into sports. Even though I was overweight, I still remembered how active & fit I was when I was a teenager (before I got into music). I played soccer, basketball, softball, & snowboarding. And so I bought my first snowboard, I didn't care if I looked like an overweight person on a board, I knew I was athletic & could be good at it. And I was. And I had fun every winter during those last 4 years of my thirties. 

        And now I celebrate my 39th birthday with a knee injury. Not from my own doing during sports, or from a fall, but from a physical assault by another human being. It was 20 days ago, on the night of my first high school reunion. I had also been reconnected & going out with an old middle-school friend this past year & a half, and decided to go out to a bar/venue with her & her brothers after the reunion. Nearing the end of the night, I noticed an unused drum-set on an empty stage, and I guessed it might have been an "open stage," with a rotating roster of various MCs. So, with the liquid courage that I had throughout the night, I went up onto the stage & started to back a couple of the MCs on the drums. Well, as it turned out, it was not an open stage, & the drum set apparently belonged to a very angry guy. He started to spew hate speech at me for being a girl on the drums, & after I got up from behind the drum-set to leave the stage, he grabbed me & threw me hard down on ground, in front of a full audience, then continued to yell assault threats at me after I was already down & injured. I couldn't walk when I tried getting up, and I ended up being taken away on a stretcher to the Cooley Dickinson ER. They said it wasn't broken bones, just a lot of swelling in the knee, & to wait for the swelling to go down for further evaluation. It's been almost 3 weeks now, and I can walk again, but slowly with a brace and still with some stiffness in my knee & muscles. 

        I have never been physically assaulted by another like that in my life, & it makes me wonder why this happened. Perhaps I went backwards in my thirties healing process. Going out with "old friends" again perhaps brought out some old habits. Maybe none of my old friends were good for me, and there was a reason I had shed them all throughout my thirties. So why did I start again near the end of this decade? I don't blame these people, it just seems that old friends bring up old habits that I had worked so hard to shed these past 9 years. Maybe this past year was just a relapse, a reminder that my decision to let go was the only way forward for my own growth. Who knows... Yet, there is always more to learn in this life. 

           So, as I lay back on "bed rest," elevating my still bit swollen, recovering knee, blogging my thoughts & feelings & reflections on this past decade, I look back on all I have experienced & learned-- that life definitely comes with its setbacks & challenges, but life is also meant to be beautiful & enjoyed. I still hold firm to this belief. And that is one thing that will remain for the rest of my life. 

        So, Happy 39th Birthday, Jessica Joy, you are one beautiful badass. 

BEING HUMAN

What does it mean to be human these days?

Were we meant to just suffer from the beginning?

I refuse to believe this is the original purpose of the human being. 

It seems that suffering people want others to suffer too

So they don't feel so alone

Even if it comes at the cost of their own hand causing another's suffering. 

Suffering people can't stand seeing another person content and happy... 

Is this what human beings have been reduced down to?

I thought we were supposed to be evolving.... 

Is there such a thing as devolving?

The older I get the more I see the human species as so. 

But no matter how much people continue to suffer on this planet,

I refuse to accept this as the baseline. 

And I will continue to believe in peace, love & joy always

Even if you try your hardest to break it out of me. 

Because love & joy are integral parts of the cosmos & divine, you see

And that is far greater than humanity's addiction to pain & suffering.